Archive for the ‘Futile Archives’ Category

Squish the bug now in HTML5

Wednesday, August 17th, 2011

From the Futile Archives

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

For your viewing pleasure I bring you something from’s past

Animal Stories
For your viewing pleasure I bring you something from’s past

Animal Stories
For your viewing pleasure I bring you something from’s past

Animal Stories

This is a some of the oldest stuff I could find that had been posted to The Screw November 1997.  What was The Screw?

This is an area where someone can anonymously on non-anonymously publicly rant about a time they’ve been screwed by someone or something that annoyed, approved bothered, purchase angered, or simply pisses them off.

What I really hate are weather people on TV. They’re all just a bunch of phonies. I mean, how hard is it to predict the freakin’ weather when no one ever gets it right in the first place. And when there’s even a hint of something relatively abnormal, a snowstorm for instance, it’s always the same: Build the viewers’ hopes and worry by predicting huge amounts (thereby practically gluing their eyes to their sets for more information), then retract your bloated estimates to return to the non-ratings-driven world of reality where no one has seen a damn flake in months. It’s just another potential top story to supplement their increasingly pathetic slants on what is _actually_ happening in the world around us. And we don’t even expect them to be accurate, do we? Viewers rarely vow to never watch another local newscast on a particular station because of the notoriously flawed forecasting these morons dish out. Well, consider me the first. Farmers’ almanacs and licked fingers in the wind beat the hell out of delusional weather puppets any day.


I hereby declare it legal and a responsibility of all good citizens to mount 20-gigawatt lasers on the fronts of their cars, just below the DRLs, which will burn gaping holes through the backs of the heads of idiots who pull out in front of you, despite your being the only person on the road for miles, and then make an immediate left, right or mailbox stop.
Likewise, the spandex fatties who walk at negative velocities through malls and supermarkets, blocking transit aisles with their cellulose-pocked gluteals. Hand held gamma-ray emitters are suitable for this purpose.
Finally, for those morons whose lives are so empty that you find meaning by intentionally crossing the street in front of oncoming traffic just to make it slow down – and you know who you are, you side-glancing pants-around-your-knees bozos – you are now officially licensed hood ornaments. Your procuration is hereby guided only by the local board of health under “Stored Meats” regs. Good Luck.

Grand Poobah

OK, rant #1- Incorrect use of the apostrophe, as in:
the plural of “ISP”, seen usually as “ISP’s.”
Why? They aren’t posessive.
rant #2-
Saying “nucular” when you are trying to say “nuclear”.
rant #3-
“irregardless”. It isn’t a word. It’s “regardless” or “irrespective”.
People, please. How hard is it?
Oh, OK, I feel better now. The voices in my head are starting to quiet down. Thank you.

Susan P.

What I really hate are people who get a job by lying and saying they can do something, then are too stupid to figure it out once they’re hired.

I worked with one guy once, producing a catalog, and when he learned that we used QuarkExpress, he said he was a PageMaker man. Fine, he did two catalogs with Quark before they bought PageMaker, and when it was handed to him, he said he’d “forgotten” everythinng about PageMaker, and was a Quark man now. Jerk!! And the truth of it all was, he didn’t know either! I ended up doing his job at the company’s most critical time because he got “sick.”

So guess who’s the Quark man now?? Me.

Bitter Quark Man

I just called u.s. west to have my home phone number unlisted. It is a $1.80 charge per MONTH. A one time fee I can live with for the 20 keystrokes or so that it takes to unlist my number, but a monthly fee to UN-list my number is insane. I am paying them not to sell my name to whatever freaking telemarketing company wants to harrass me at my house?? I would file a class action suit, but against the phone mafia, I have a better chance of winning the lottery (of course playing the lottery would be paying the “stupid person” tax) The only people I hate worse than phone companies are the cable NAZI’s. more on them later.


What drives me up a wall is piss poor signage. Come on Dept. Of Transportation people. How hard can it be to put up some signs that really mean what they say. Take for instance; I’m driving to the airport in Orlando, Florida. This has got to be one of the biggest tourism communities in the US if not the world. I see a sign which says “International Airport Left Lane”. No problem, I take the left lane exit and then poof… no more signs. Now, when a person is driving to the airport they are usually running a short time schedule.. either to pick some one up or to get there to leave… so after about 15 minutes of driving I figure, hmmmmm… some jerk didn’t put up anymore signs or some other jerk took the sign down. I stop at the “Quickie Mart” and ask Habib where the hell is the airport. “Not down this road, sir.” I have to go all the way back to the main highway and take a different exit. WHAT! There’s a sign on the damn freeway that says it’s this way. Ok, Ok… it’s not the counter clerk’s problem, hell, he already works at the Quickie Mart. I drive back….. and then proceed to drive further along the highway, looking for any kind of a sign that will lead me to the airport. Finally… there’s another sign that says “International Airport Right Lane”………….. Shit, I’ve done this before. But I take the exit. And I drive and I drive and I drive… this time I stop at the Gas Station/Quickie Mart. “Just keep going down the road, you can’t miss it” says the store attendent. And she was right, finally there’s a sign that leads me into the airport.
Is it too much to ask for a little bit better direction to the airport. Hell, I’m a local and I can’t find the damn place… think of how many irate tourists we must make.

DOT, get off your fat, donut filled, butts and put some signs up.


Another Lane

What I hate is stupid people who rant about having to pay to have their telephone numbers unlisted. You can get around it by listing another name, there’s no charge for that! You can have the listing under any name you want! List your dog. List your 2nd grade teacher. List Joe Blow. Also, the Phone Company can’t sell your telephone number to telemarketers, because it is proprietary information. You are getting garbage calls at night because telemarketers have “predictive dialers” dialing every phone number in an exchange, ad infinitum. Telemarketers aren’t calling you personnally, they are calling your phone. If you don’t want telemarketers calling you, call the Sales Solicitation department of Agriculture and Consumer Affairs, they can tell you how to subscribe to their “list” so that Telemarketers get fined if they call you. Don’t curse the darkness, light a candle.
Telco Gal

My latest frustration is directed at the intelligence of the average person in America (see “telco gal” above.) These people force the people who are aware to bring their conversations down to the least common denominator. Why is newspaper prose at a six-grade reading comprehension? Because the average person in America (see “telco gal”) above cannot comprehend anything more difficult. I was impressed by a brief flash of brilliance (list your name as somebody else), but suddenly I realized that the poster had your standard room temperature I.Q.. Oh, I’m sorry I.Q. isn’t poltically correct anymore, because the idiots in charge want the voting morons to feel better about themselves. Keep dumbing it down, the rest of the world is licking their lips. A nation of potato chip makers, not chip makers. Anyways back to my original rant against the average person (see “telco gal” above) I was not talking about telemarketers!! I was talking about the absolute power that the telco companies have. They are unaccountable for their actions, and if you believe something different, you have dropped to “below average”. Below average is not something you want to be, this places you in a class with most elected officials. This is why there is no government conspricy against the people. They are too stupid to mastermind it. They cannot even balance a budget, something that average american CAN do. Telco gal, your candle has been blown out. If you can figure out how to light it, I am here gleefully awaiting your well thought out response. Take your time, the rest of your minimum wage brethren do.