For a short period of time I had a column here on Futile that was called Ask Dr. Ryan.  Futile has evolved much over the years.  I thought I would share some good stuff from the past with you all.

Q: What do you think is a funnier joke: “I just flew in from New York and boy are my arms tired” or “A man walked into a bar- it hurt.” 

A: Hmmm…

Many a day I have pondered these very hilarious jokes and asked myself, “which one is funnier?”

Well I’d have to say without a doubt the “boy are my arms tired” one. I usually open up any business meeting with this one to help break the ice. It’s good practice to start out a public speech with a good joke and boy oh boy this is a good one. I even know it in other languages too.

French: J’ai juste volé dedans de New York et le garçon sont mes bras fatigués
Ha ha.

German: Ich flog gerade innen von New York und Junge sind meine ermüdeten Arme
Ho ho har.

Italian: Ho volato appena dentro da New York ed il ragazzo è i miei bracci stancato
Oh my!

Spanish: Acabo de volar adentro de Nueva York y el muchacho es mis brazos cansados
Ay Carumba!

Q: Sometimes when I turn my car on, it makes this one noise, which is kind of weird, and then that thingy kind of gets all strange, and I don’t want to have to pay a mechanic, so can you tell me how to fix it myself?

A: Use a wrench. Pop the hood or just climb under it if you can’t figure out how to open the hood. When under the car be sure to put the parking break on and turn off the car. My uncle Wally got killed sticking himself under a running car. I think my aunt set the whole thing up now that I think about.

Anyway, Take the wrench and find the bolt closest to gray dirty thing where the engine should be. Grab hold of it and turn. If anything leaks out or falls on you then it should be the right one. Remove the bolt. Clean the bolt and then replace it.

Pack up your tools and pat yourself on the back you’ve just fixed your car!

Q: This is my first visit to your site and I already feel smarter — thanks! But I have one question: Today is only July 8, yet your answers are for the week of July 10. Stranger still, the questions were all asked on May 8 and May 9. So, my question is, what’s up with the dates? If you are miraculously able to answer questions two days before the site goes online, how come it takes two *months* for you to respond in the first place? Can you travel through time or are you just slow?

Please respond immediately (i.e., the day before yesterday)! Thank you in advance for helping me sleep better the night before last.

A: Thanks for this very insightful question. It makes me feel warm all over to know that my readers have actually been paying attention to these details. There are many secrets here at the lab of Dr. Ryan, many of which even I do not know.

The answer is simple. Time travel. It’s what makes all things possible. This is how I adopted myself when I was a little tyke and taught myself everything I know today.

Q: What exactly is the difference between hot dogs, weeners, and franks? And which type should I buy for consumption. Are there any other uses for hotdog type products that I am not currently aware of?

A: Hot dogs: In Sweden, hot dogs are an integral part of the culture. This is a result of the Swedish cultural elites’ fondness of the ‘old times’, the 50’s and 60’s, when Sweden was the richest country in the world and the Swedish countryside was safe and cozy (if cold).

Frank: He was an uncle of mine. Nice guy. He liked to wear plaid things and dance in a conga line.

Weeners or wieners: According to Oscar Meyer, the first wienermobile was built in 1936. Its 13 feet of good American-made metal made people’s heads spin. I think this was the greatest design achievement of the year. Other less notable things happened that year as well. For example, Frank Lloyd Wright’s Falling Water House was built.

After taste-testing all sorts of tube-shaped foods, our crack scientific staff felt that my uncle Frank had by far the best taste.

As far as other uses for hotdog type products, we found them to be really tasty when added to lime Jell-O.